Remind Me Why I Let You Live Again?
by The Whisperer's Song
Summary: My take on what life would be like if the Master had travelled with the Doctor after the Year that never was :D Rated for swearing.
1. Cells and Singing

_A/N: Well this is my fic, "Why did I let you live again?" It's going to be a series of one shots, but I may decide to link them. For now they are all humour, but I may write some angsty ones later on. the song in this if you didn't know it is "Left outside" by Anastasia. Hope you enjoy :D xx_

"Hey Doctor!"

"What."

"What does this button do?" Looking at the man next to him as he poked button after button of the TARDIS controls, The Doctor was just about resisting the urge to tear his hair out.

"You _know _what it does. It shoots out flames. Remember?"

"How should I know?" The Master asked innocently, big green eyes staring at the Doctor angelically.

"Because..." the Doctor stopped, taking a breath, trying to remain calm. "You pressed it and it almost set the TARDIS on fire. _Remember_?" The Master stared, as if deep in thought, before replying with a grin.

"Nope!"

"For God's sakes it was half an hour ago!" Ignoring the Doctor's half shouted reply, he skipped-yes, _skipped-_ to the TARDIS doors.

"Remind me why I'm not allowed out again?"

"Because you tried to kill everyone on earth, including me, turned my TARDIS into a paradox machine and SHOT YOUR WIFE IN THE HEAD!" The Doctor screamed the last line.

"In all fairness... she was going to kill me first." The Master grinned manically at him once more. Watching the Doctor's reddening face, he pouted mockingly. "What? Am I not the perfect companion?"

"I was _hoping,_ that you'd ignore me. Or be so pissed off you wouldn't talk to me for years, giving me a bit of privacy. What I was NOT hoping for-"

The Master cut him off "was that I'd move all my stuff and a second bed into your room? Why? I think we suit eachother, roomie!" The Master beamed and left the console room, and hopped down the long golden staircase to the kitchen. With a sigh, the Doctor followed him wearily. _It's a never good idea to leave that man alone. Especially after the peanut butter incident._

"Why did you follow me?" The Master scowled, as the Doctor opened the white fridge in the corner of the room. The muffled reply of "Peanut Butter incident!" came from inside the fridge,

"I think the TARDIS _liked_ having her controls covered in peanut butter actually..." the Master muttered, as he flopped down onto one of the silver kitchen chairs, picking up an old copy of the Sun. "Damm, you did the crossword! You _know_ I love the crosswords!" Sitting down on the chair next to him, munching on a jam sandwich, the Doctor informed him,

"You're my prisoner. You're _meant_ to be locked in a cell." He opened his mouth in shock, as realisation hit him, and the Master couldn't help but laugh as a dribble of red jam ran down his chin. "That's right... you're my prisoner! So what the hell are you doing up here? You're meant to be in one of the cells! Come on-" He stood up abruptly, Jam sandwich falling off his lap and onto his shoes (which only made the Master laugh harder) and grabbed his fellow time lord by the shoulder. "Move," The Doctor said firmly, giving the man a shove. "You're going to one of the cells."

Two hours of peace and quiet later, the Doctor wondered why he had never thought of dumping the Master in the Cells in the first place. It was nice, quiet, and The Doctor could finally watch the episode of Eastenders he had been _dying_ to put on all week, with no timelord to distract him with his very _loud_ comments on _"How ugly the lot of them were."_ Yes, life was grand...

"WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD KNOW! HOW IT REALLY FEELS!" The entire room shook with the sound, making the Doctor jump out of his chair and drop the knitting needles he had been holding. (Not that he knits. Because men don't knit. Because that would be _stupid._) "What... the FUCK?" He screamed, kicking his foot at the chair. A couple of hours of peace, was that _really_ too much to ask?

Storming down the stairs to the cells at the very bottom floor of the TARDIS, trying not to fall over as the BOOM BOOM BOOM of the music vibrations made the floor shake, he ripped open the cell door.

"WHAT...NOW?" He screamed, as his eyes focused in on the image in front of him. There the Master was, dancing around the room with his tie around his head to the very loud music blaring from the Radio in the corner of the room.

"TO BE LEFT OUTSIDE ALONE... WHEN IT'S COLD OUT HERE!" The Master sang loudly, before quietly whispering to the Doctor innocently, "nothing. Why?" He asked sweetly. "Did I disturb you?"

Running over to the radio, wincing as the sound levels increased as he got closer, the Doctor switched the radio off.

"Where... did you get a radio?" He asked tiredly, the effort to yell at the Master leaving him. (He knew the Master would only ignore him, anyway).

"From your room..."

"Yes, but _how _ did you get to my room?"

"I walked there!" The Master grinned, fighting down a chuckle at the look on the Doctor's face.

"Okay, I'll put this bluntly... HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE CELL!"

"I opened the door?" The Master said, beaming at the Doctor as he sang the next line. "AND I WONDER IF YOU KNOWWW, HOW IT REALLY FEELS-"

"SHUT...up and answer the question!" The Doctor half ordered, half begged.

"Welllll, I pushed down the door handle, and Voila! It opened!"

"Only me or Martha know how to open the door though..."

"Oh yeah, I rang Martha up and pretended to be you, did I not mention?"

"GAHHHH!" The Doctor yelled, collapsing on a corner of the cell, crying.

"Aw..." it's okay!" The Master informed him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, we have plenty of time to get to know eachother's music tastes! We have forever and ever and ever and ever and ever!"

This fact only made the Doctor cry harder.

_A/N: Flames will be used to burn my school books :D Review please :) Much love xxx_


	2. Bath Time!

_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews :) And here we have the second chapter :) xxx_

"I'm bored."

"Good."

"I want to do something."

"Well you can't." The Master stopped flicking through the pages of a magazine he had read thousands of times to ask,

"Whyyy?" The Doctor sighed, and stopped trying to massage away his headache to say to the other timelord

"Because if you're in here, then you're not out there, which means you're not causing trouble." The Doctor failed to notice the evil grin that covered the Master's face, as the timelord walked towards the door.

"Okay, you're right... you know what? I'm gonna do take a bath." Too happy at the fact he had finally been left alone to worry about what the other man was up to, the Doctor went back to reading his book.

_How much water would it take for the floor to collapse? _The Master wondered, as he sat on the unit in the bathroom, watching the water begin to rush out of the overflowed bath, and onto the floor. Soon, water was filling the room, and if the Master stood up off the unit it would have been about up to his ankles, He giggled, as he threw the plastic ducks he had found in the bathroom cabinet onto the floor, and watched as they bobbed around in the water. _I never thought the Doctor would be a rubber duck person,_ the master pondered, pulling his trousers up so he could paddle around in the water. _But then again, he does play with action men..._

The Doctor sat up abrubtly in his chair, eyes opening and looking around wildly. "It's quiet!" He muttered to himself, sounding every bit like a mad man. "too quiet...something's wrong." And jumping out of the chair so quickly it toppled over, he ran over to the door, and across the hall to the bathroom. If the Doctor had been paying attention to the floor at that moment rather then worrying about what the Master was up to, he may have noticed the puddles of water on the floor, getting bigger and bigger. It was only when he reached the bathroom door, however, that he noticed his feet were entirely submerged in water. "What the... he murmered, his face twisting into an angry frown. "I... am going to KILL the little-" His sentence was cut off however, as he opened the bathroom door only for a lake's worth of water to rush out from inside the bathroom and hit him in the face, the water carrying him down the corridor, the three ducks bobbing after him. From his view sitting on top of the shelf in the bathroom wall, the Master watched as the Doctor was carried down the corridor by the waves, swearing and shouting abuse. _Well..._ he said aloud, to the one plastic duck that remained next to him. _That was fun, wasn't it Jimmy?_

Two hours later, covered in a blanket shivering over a mug of hot chocolate, the Doctor stuttered, "what-t-t-t... th-h-he h-e-l-l-l?"

"I was swimming!" The Master beamed proudly, before taking one of the marshmallows off of his own hot chocolate and putting it in front of the plastic duck that sat on the table. "There you go Jimmy! You know, I really like this duck! He never complains, he goes along with my schemes, we could be the best of fri-" the Doctor cut him off.

"NO!" The Doctor shouted, stopped to sneeze once- twice- three times before continuing. "WHY did you feel the urge to swamp my entire first floor in water/"

"Becauuussee..." the Master said childishly, "I wanted to see if the floor would cave in and all the water would come down here! I must say, it's been three hours, I'd of thought it would have-"

"Wait!" The Doctor strammered, mug freezing half way to his mouth. "You didn't..._turn the water off?_"

"Of course not!" The Master replyed, looking at the Doctor is if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "The experiment wasn't done! Hey...look!" The Doctor looked at the ceiling where the Master was pointing, and watched as cracks began to appear in the white ceiling. "No... no! no! no!" The Doctor moaned, as he and The Master jumped onto the kitchen unit.

"Five... four...three..." The Master sang... as the cracks in the ceiling grew larger, until a piece of the ceiling fell off, and landing on the table, bringing the whole of the water upstairs with it.

"THAT'S IT!" The Doctor screamed, as water covered his gleaming kitchen floor, table and chairs, just about stopping before it reached the top of the kitchen unit. "This is the LAST time, I EVER leave you alone! You understand?" The Master was too busy splashing around with his new best friend Jimmy to pay attention.

_A/N: Review please :) And anything you wanna see, let me know. Much love xx_


	3. Issues

_A/N: Third chapter :) Haven't wrote angst in a little while,so this chappie doesn't have much humour. Also, I have never watched any of the old series, so anything that happened in that I will be ignoring. Finally, like in my other fic, Male pregnancies are possible xxx_

"I'm bored."

"I really, _really_ don't care."

"...I'm still bored." After the timelord didn't answer, the Master sighed and rose up from the chair he was sitting in. "Seriously, I'm bored. Do you wanna know _why_ I'm bored? Because _you,_ my friend, are the most boring person in the entire universe. All you do is sit there, in your stupid chair, looking at your stupid books, doing whatever stupid thing you do with that stupid thing of yours."

"My sonic screwdriver," the Doctor said idly, not lifting his eyes as he turned the page of his book.

"Seriously... do something."

"And what?" The Doctor sighed, folding over the corner of his page before putting it at his feet so stare at the other time lord. "Sit here and watch as you wreck my home once again?"

"It's only fair!" The Master muttered, before turning towards the door, intending to find some trouble to cause in another room, however the harsh sound of the Doctor's voice stopped him.

"_What?_"

"Welll..." The Master said, grinning (because if he couldn't cause trouble, why not cause a drama?) "Why shouldn't I be allowed to run around wrecking your home? You were quite content to go and ruin mine, then run off without so much as an _apology._" The Doctor stood up so abruptly that the Master couldn't help but take a step back.

"Don't... you..._EVER_ say that again, you understand?" The Doctor spat, his voice sounding a lot harsher then the Doctor was used to. "Besides, last time I checked, you weren't too keen to stick around. You must of legged it the second you got into the teeniest bit of trouble, else you wouldn't be here!"

All ideas of causing a drama left the Master's head, as a surge of anger rushed through him. He took a step forward, and this time it was the _Doctor_ who stepped back at the look of rage on his fellow time lord's face.

"The words POT and KETTLE come to mind," he said visciously. "I take it you didn't stick around for very long anyway."

"You know I had to leave..." The anger on the Doctor's face quickly turned to guilt, as he looked down at his feet, ashamed. "I had things to do on other planets!"

"Yeah," the Master replied sarcastically, "I can just imagine it now. Good morning world! Right, okay, there's a war going on outside my window, my pregnant lover is fighting, I _really_ should stay and help fight the daleks, but you know what? I need to top up on my tan! I'm of to Hawaii!"

"It wasn't like that..." The Doctor muttered.

"Oh I'm sorry my bad, _florida_."

"You know what I mean, dammit!"

"You _know_ what?" The Master said mockingly, ignoring the Doctor's last words as he walked around the room. "It still shocks me how _I_ still fought the help my planet, and yet _you_ ran off like a coward... and you have the nerve to call _me_ the bad guy?"

"You left too!" The Doctor argued.

"Yeah, because I had a _child_ to protect. You had no-one to protect. Well no, that's a lie actually, you were _meant_ to be protecting me. Shame you left me behind, ay?"

"I'm sorry." The Doctor whispered.

"I take it I don't need to tell you what happened." The Master grinned manically, reminding the Doctor once more of all the times on the valiant.

"No..." The Doctor mumbled, covering his ears with his hands.

"What, can't handle it? Miscarriage."

"Shut up..." The Doctor muttered, hands tightening around his ears.

"I don't know why _you're _so upset, _I'm _ the one who had to deal with it!"

"What did you name him?"

"What does it matter?"

"It does."

"Rebecca." The Doctor blinked. "Turns out it wasn't a boy after all."

The two timelords remained silent, both breathing heavily, the effects of the dispute only just hitting them. After another long moment of silence, the Doctor hesitantly asked,

"What would she of been like? If she had lived?"

"Easy. My eyes, your hair, your annoying sense of mercy, and my mind."

"I'd of thought you would have told Martha." Nose turning up at the mention of that _vile_ girl's name, the Master asked,

"About who? Rebecca?"

"Yeah. About Rebecca. You knew she liked me, so I'd of thought you would have mentioned that we'd had a child together to upset her, and make me look like the bad guy. So why didn't you?"

"Because, I suit being the bad guy_ so_ much better. And it means that even if no-one else knows, the knowledge that you left will still be inside you, wrapped around your heart like a Snake to a mouse. So I was right you see, in the end, when I said I'd won."

The Doctor couldn't hold down the rage burning inside him once more. "Are you just uncapable of feeling emotions? You kill thousands and thousands without blinking an eye, and all you can think about is winning a game that I never even wanted to play?"

"Yep. I have no other entertainment, seeing as I'm stuck on this stupid fucking ship with some stupid fucking twat who only ever wants to spread love and happiness like some kind of messed up Jesus. He put on a high pitched voice, beaming fakely at the Doctor as he did so. "Hello Earthlings! Here, take some happy dust! Spread peace, yeah? I know I save you time and time again and all that, only for you to start stabbing eachother the second I leave again, but hey! That's life for you! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for jumping straight into your lives and expecting you to follow me into fire and everything! Oops, looks like you died! Oh well! I'll just stand here looking sympathetic for a minute, then bugger off back to my ship and completely forget you ever existed. Bye!" He finished with a mocking wave, accompanied by a Tardis noise.

"That..." The Doctor said, struggling to stop himself from punching the man, "Is _not_ what I do. Everyone that travels with me knows the dangers."

"But don't you get it?" The Master laughed manically, jumping onto one of the chairs. "They don't! They think you're some fantastic super hero who can save them from anything! You're no hero Doctor. You're as bad as me."

"You tried to kill everyone on earth."

"At least I didn't pretend to be their _friend_ when I did it."

"Do you even care? About _anything?_ Do you _care_ that I'm doing my best to help you? Did you even care when you lost Rebecca?" The Doctor couldn't help but feel that he deserved the punch he recieved next.

Neither slept well that night.

_A/N: I hope that was alright :) Review as always! Much love xxx_


	4. Help

_A/N: Sorry for the late update :) Last chapter was angsty, so let's get back to the humour :) Really short one, just to get back into the swing of things xxxx_

Neither timelord had spoke for three weeks. Not even a "hello", "goodmorning" or, as the Doctor had grow quite used to shouting, "Don't touch that!" No, the silence in the TARDIS was unbearable. Not even as much as a look had been shared between the two, and whenever the Doctor walked into a room the Master was in, he would always quickly find an excuse to leave.

The Master was annoyed. After their little... dispute he had been forced to wander around the TARDIS aimlessly, bored out of his mind. Still annoyed at the Doctor, he refused to ask the Doctor for something- _anything _to do. It was on the 22nd day of wandering that an idea hit him so hard he was shocked he hadn't thought of it before. _Prank time!_

Despite one side of his brain loudly protesting that he didn't, the Doctor missed the Master. He missed yelling at him to stop trying to blow up common house hold items, and he had grown quite used to waking up to see the man on the bed next to him mucking around with that bloody duck he refused to get rid of. He couldn't go out and visit some planets in case the Master tried to escape again, and he learnt from experience ringing Martha for a chat was a bad idea, (The last time he tried the Master had quickly found another phone, and joined in on the conversation. _Not Pretty._) so he was stuck inside, and miserable. After reading the same page of his book for the sixth time, he sighed, and went to his room, determined to catch up on his missed sleep.

Connecting the final wire to the TARDIS controls, the Master watched the screen gleefully as the confused face of Ianto Jones appeared on the screen.

"Hello!" He beamed, waving at the man on the screen. Ianto's eyebrows rose slightly, as he looked at the Ex-Primeminister.

"Hello?" He half replied, half asked. "Aren't you the crazy other time lord that tried to kill everyone on earth?"

"Yeah!" The Master said, grinning proudly. "I'm cool, I know." Rolling his eyes, Ianto replied

"Yeah... so...what is it you want?" The Master's grin turned into a look of confusion.

"What... that's it? No "omg, you're evil!" or "I'm telling Jack!" or even a "Piss off"?"

"That would be pointless. I know you're evil, I know if I told you to piss off you'd keep ringing, and I'm still too annoyed about Jack disappearing to tell him anything."

"You're annoyed with Harkness? Oooh, this could be fun..."

Ianto quickly cut the timelord off. "Let me tell you this now, Mr Saxon, I am not going to help you escape. I'm not putting my job and my life at risk to help a man who will only end up killing me."

"No, no no!" The Master assured. "I have no intention of escaping! Well... I do... But you won't be helping with that part. You're annoyed with Harkness, right? Well I'm annoyed with the Doctor. So what do you say we pay them back a little bit?"

"What do you have in mind?" Ianto asked warily.

"Welll... "

Ianto Jones handed a coffee to the man leaning against the kitchen unit in the hub.

"When do you reckon they'll stop fighting?" He asked the Master.

"Well..." The Master said, taking a sip of coffee and laughing as he watched the Doctor and Harkness squabble. "By the looks of things, your other team members are still a bit too annoyed at Jack to help him out, and _I'm_ certainly not doing the Doctor a favour, so I'd say...another half an hour?"

The two sipped their coffees in a pleasant silence, as they watched the two men yell at eachother in the middle of the hub, and Ianto laughed at the amused expressions on his team mate's faces as they watched the shouting match from their stations.

"You know... for an evil madman bent on killing us all... you're alright."

"And you're alright too...for a torchwood member."

"I TOLD you Doctor, I haven't see the lunatic since the valiant!"

"Then why did a member of your team ring me and tell me that you're building a bloody SECRET BASE in here for him?"

"I swear, it's lie-"

"And what's more, he told me about your little obsession with him! You fall asleep to his voice? That's not only wrong, it's fucking INSANE!"

Yes, the Master decided, if he was to ever try and take over the earth again, Ianto Jones was _definately_ going to be his right hand man.

_A/N: Because I love Ianto ;) xxx_


	5. Oh dear

_A/N: Sorry for the long wait :) xxxxx_

With the atmosphere in the TARDIS returning to what it was before, (The Master destroying everything around him and the Doctor yelling at him for it) the Master decided that now was the perfect time to once more return to trying to ruin the Doctor's life in every way possible. He had already destroyed half his belongings, set fire to his bedroom and tied his to a room with a hologram of The Master singing I can't decide on repeat, but it just didn't seem... evil enough. Aha! H ecould-

"Master?"

"Yes?"

"Don't even think about it." Damm. That was that idea out the window. The Master was bored. Trapped on a TARDIS with the Doctor was not his idea of heaven, and the fact there was no other people to destroy made the situation worse. He slowly walked to the library, feet dragging along the floor and sat himself down on one of the plush red arm chairs. He examined the book left on the table before chucking it behind him, (Who the hell was Shakespeare, and why couldn't he write like a normal person?) before his eyes wandered down to the table, and he slowly began to grin as he caught site of the purple laptop. The _Doctor's_ purple laptop.

_Bingo._

Opening it up, he eyes widened in confusion as the tiny little icons and displays flashed up on the screen. He had never been good with computers, Lucy had always taken care of that. (It was a shame that he'd shot her really, he could of kept her as Tech. support.) Randomly clicking on one of the Icons with the heading MSN, he grinned as a list of contacts began to flash up on the screen.

"Well well well Doctor!" The Master murmured evilly to himself, "Maybe I should have a chat with one of your little friends... MARTHA!" He almost dropped the laptop in shock as a conversation burst up onto the screen from "Martha- brown eyed beauty".

_Hey Doctor! How've you been? And how's the prisoner?_

The Master scowled at the text on the screen. Typical Martha, always getting confused.

_He's not my prisoner._ He typed back, tongue sticking out in concentration. _He's a guest._

_Whatever you say... how are things anyway, haven't heard from you in a while. Is he giving you trouble?_

Him? Trouble? Perlease.

_Nope, he's been no trouble. Sorry I haven't contacted you recently, I've just been busy that's all. _

_I've missed you._

She misses the Doctor? The Master thought, Can't have that then. Can't risk her coming back and travelling, I'd never hear the end of it. And as a cunning plan began to form in his mind, the Master inwardly thought with himself.

"You can't! It would be wrong!"

"Yeah, and? You're the Master, that's your job."

"But it's not fair on the Doctor?"

"Who cares about fair?"

"You should!"

"Doctor. Martha. Falling in love. Kissing. ALL DAY."

"...Fair point. carry on." The evil side of the Master's brain once more had convinced his good side.

_Really? You've missed me? I haven't missed you._

_...Really?_

_Nope. Can't even remember who you are to be honest. Marty? Maddy?_

_Martha... Doctor, what's gotten into you?_

_Nothing. I just realised I don't really like you that much. Your hair annoys me, I suggest you shave it off._

_Doctor...please don't be like this... I need to tell you something..._

The Master paused. Really? What could Martha possibly want to tell the Doctor?

_Go on then..._

_...I LOVE YOU!_

...Shit.

_...That's nice._

_I love you Doctor, don't you see? All this time we've been apart my feelings for you have only grown stronger! _

The Master scowled. Martha? Fancying the Doctor? Couldn't happen. The Doctor was HIS. Wait, what? The Doctor was his to annoy. Yeah, that's what he meant.

_...I'm really sorry Martha, but I'm not interested. To be honest... I kinda hate you. I'm with someone. That's why I haven't been talking to you._

_**What?**__ You're with who?_

_The Master. Yep, we've really, you know, __connected__ in the time we've been together. So... bye Martha. _Why was the idea of being with the Doctor making him smile? No. It was because he was tricking Martha. Yeah, that was it.

_But... you'd never..._

_Well clearly I am. So go home and date some ugly earth boy Jones. Bye now._

_-Martha- Brown Eyed beauty has signed off-_

Oops. Closing the laptop and placing it back on the table, the Master beamed at the Doctor as the timelord entered the library to sit down next to him, eyeing him nervously.

"What have you been doing?"

"Nuuuuuthing!" The Master chorused, smiling sweetly. "Bye the way, Martha called. Said something about hating you and never wanting to speak to you again? I'd do what she says if I was you, you know what women are like."

"Seriously, what have you done?"

"Nothing! Okay... I might of talked to Martha pretending to be you on your laptop, but that's it really, nothing major."

The Doctor's mouth dropped open as the Master finished talking, before forcing out a choked reply, "What... did you tell her?"

"The truth?" The Master said innocently, fiddling with his sleeve.

"Which is..."

"That you don't love her."

The Doctor let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, fair enough. I knew she liked me, but maybe it's for the best she knows that I don't-"

"Oh and that you're dating me." The Master added so quickly that The Doctor just about heard the sentence. Staring at the Doctor's shocked face, he quickly asked, "So... fancy a melon slice?"

"YOU TOLD HER WHAT?"

"That we're dating. Do you not remember this? God Doctor, you're lucky I haven't dumped you yet-"

"WHY?"

"Ermmm... because she was going to date you and then I'd have to watch you two snog all the time and then I'd have to throw up my breakfast."

The Doctor ran his hands through his hair, massaging his aching head as he continued to stare wide eyed at his fellow timelord.

"So you thought you'd TELL HER WE WERE DATING INSTEAD!"

"Aww come on Doctor," The Master joked, sticking his tongue out, "You know you love me!"

"Yes, but that's not the-" The Doctor's mouth opened and shut with no words coming out as the Master froze.

"...What?"

"..."

_A/N: Oh dear Doctor ;D Review as always :) Anything you want to happen between these two be it date, have a fight or kill eachother let me know in a review :) Much love xxxx_


	6. Poor, Poor Martha

_A/N: Sixth Chapter :) Thanks for the reviews guys xxxx_

"So is this a date?"

"Nope, not a date. Definately not a date." The Doctor replied, as they sat at a table in a french restaurant, over looking the sea.

"Sure?" The Master asked, chuckling at the Doctor's reddening face.

"No, not a date. Because I don't do dates. And I don't like you. Like that. Because that would be weird."

"Is that why you asked for a table for "you and your date" then?" The Master asked, studying the menu in front of them, grinning as the Doctor swore under his breath for bejng caught out.

"I said that because it was easier then saying me and my friend!"

"Righhhhtt," The Master said dryly. "I think I'll have the crab."

"S-"

Whatever the Doctor was about to say next was interupted by a loud shriek, and The Master scowled as he caught site of the tall, brown skinned girl running towards them, mobile clutched in her hand. _Martha._

"Doctor!" She shouted, reaching the table and pulling the shocked timelord to his feet.

"No need to shout!" The Master said, scowling at the woman he loathed more then anyone else in the universe. Martha turned to look at him.

"You! What are you doing here!"

"Sitting," He replied casually, leaning back in his chair, "With him, having a not-date. Waiting for crab. You tried it? Apparently it's nice here."

"Doctor!" Martha said again, turning back to her friend, ignoring the Master's muttered 'stupid bloody earth girl', "What are you doing here? With him as well! I should of _known_ something was right after I talked to you on msn!"

"I talked to Martha on msn?" The Doctor asked the Master, scowling while the Master nodded angelically. "Yes. You said you hated her, remember? And I think there was something about her hair as well. Something about it being crap and how she needs to shave it off?"

"So Ii got UNIT to track you down using your mobile," Martha continued, "and I find you here, with him!"

"You got UNIT to track him down?" The Master asked laughing, "Wow. Stalker much!"

"Come on!" Martha exclaimed, pulling at the Doctor's arm. "I want to get you checked out. He probably placed some hypnotic spell on you or something."

"What, like Harry Potter?" The Master said gleefully, waving an imaginary wand in the air. "Expelliarmus! Er, Martha? I don't mean to upset you but your face has turned an alarming shade of purple. And don't screw your face up like that dear, it's not attractive."

"Master..." The Doctor scolded, pulling Martha down into the empty third chair at their table. "Be nice. Martha, I'm here by my own free will. Trust me. You can stay and eat with us if you're really that concerned."

"Yeah," The Master said, smiling fakely at her, "We'd love that!

After half an hour of listening to Martha drone on about her new position at UNIT and how much she missed the Doctor and how evil he was The Master was quite ready to stab her with his fork. Instead, he settled for flicking crab in her direction and watching with satisfaction as it landed in her hair. The Doctor gave him a "be nice" look, which he ignored, and he couldn't help but groan when the Doctor announced he was going to the bathroom, leaving him alone with Martha. After a few seconds of silence, she said

"I hate you, you know."

"Really? Shame. I feel nothing but love for you every time I look at you."

"You think you're so fucking funny don't you? You're pathetic, fooling yourself into believing the Doctor likes you..."

He grinned cunningly, and replied, "I know he doesn't love me. That's why I hypnotised him into believing we did. Must say, the sex was great. We've been _at it like bunnies._"

Watching as her face paled, he continued. "I saw your confession on msn. Quite pathetic really."

"I..." Martha stuttered, "I don't believe you!" Her face turned back to it's normal colour, as she nodded confidently. "Yeah! You're lying! And I'll prove it. We'll see who the Doctor _really _likes!"

The Doctor returned from the bathroom, and all seemed to be going well. That was however, until halfway through the meal Martha began to run her foot up and down the Doctor's leg. The Doctor blushed, and moved his leg slowly, only for Martha to move and carry on her action. The Master, to put it bluntly, was pissed off. _How dare she touch him? The little cow. _As the time moved on, Martha's hand resting on the Doctor's knee, The Master had to stop himself from slapping the silly woman over the head with the crab, instead venting out his anger on the fat guy sitting at the table next to him, tripping him up as he made his way back to his table with his buffet plate, sending the plate flying into the air and onto the head of a rather posh lady, who was not very pleased with her new hairstyle. The Doctor gave him a questioning look, and the Mastere just smiled sweetly, teeth gritted together as Martha moved her other hand to the Doctor's other knee. The Doctor fidgeted uncomfortably, trying to ignore the flirty looks Martha was sending him, (The Master personally thought they made her face even more squished up and unattractive then it already was, and it reminded him very much of a crocodile's grin) but Martha only stepped her actions up a notch by touching his hand.

It was ten minutes later however, that The Master finally snapped. Yes, hitting girls was never acceptable, but he couldn't help but feel that throwing an empty plate at Martha's head was entirely reasonable when said girl was trying to plant a kiss on _his _date's lips.

As the two of them sat at the Torchwood base playing Travel Scrabble, waiting for Owen Harper to tell a distraught Martha Jones that the medical tests showed that _no _the Doctor had not been hypnotised and _yes_ that meant that The Doctor had indeed been out on a date with the Master on his own free will, the Master couldn't help but grin. Taking another bite out of the ham and pineapple pizza they were sharing (pineapple removed of course, they both hated the stuff. The Doctor because he didn't like the taste and The Master because it reminded him too much of Martha's pointy ponytail) he informed his fellow timelord,

"This is _so_ much better then the crab."

"Have to agree."

"Not bad really, for a first date."

"It's not a date!"

"Why's it written as a date in your diary then?"

"...Okay, maybe it is a date."

" 'Spose this means we should kiss then!" Martha turned to face the two timelords, and screamed in annoyance.

_A/N: Done :) Please review :) Much love xxxxx_


	7. Shopping!

_A/N: Seventh Chapter! :) There's one thing I realised was missing from this fic, an event that this story cannot do without. And it is... SHOPPING TRIPxxx_

"Remind me why we're here again?" The Master moaned, as he walked besides the doctor around the large IKEA. "Actually, no, we need food. I know why a trip here is needed. The real question should be: why am _I_ here."

"Because!" The Doctor said cheerfully as he wheeled the trolly down the wide aisles, "You said you wanted to get out!"

"Yes, I meant _out_ as in having a good time. This.. is not fun."

"You can still have a good time!" The Doctor exclaimed, before begining to throw oranges into the trolly.

"No, because you see, _your_ idea of a good time is saving the earth. _My _idea of a good time is destroying it. So what am I meant to do here, ay? Annhilate the shop assistant? Mix the grapes with the pears? Blackmail the potatoes? Wow, real fun!" He said sarkily, clapping in mock glee, before adding, "By the way, I've never set foot in an earth supermarket in my life and even _I _know you're meant to put the oranges in a bloody plastic bag first."

The Doctor ignored the Master's comments, and continued to wheel the trolly down to the meat aisle. "Shut up and stop complaining!"

"Or what?"

"Or you won't get your prize." The Master scoffed.

"I'm not four years old!"

"Ah yes, but," The Doctor grinned, "I don't really think what I have in mind is ideal for four year olds."

The Master shot a confused look at his companion, before the words sunk in, and he smiled devilishly. "Okay, no more complaining! Now hurry up and finish, I wanna get home!"

Ten minutes of shopping later, the Master was bored. _Who knew shopping could take so long? _He moaned to himself, trailing behind the humming Doctor. _Poor fool's having the time of his life.. clearly doesn't get out much._ It was then, that he caught site of the large sign to his left. _GARDENING. I wonder..._

"Isn't this going great?" The Doctor beamed, as he walked along with the trolly, chucking bread, rice, and anything else he fancied (Including a spoon, dishwashers tablets despite his lack of dishwasher, and twenty jars of the Jam he was allergic to), the Doctor couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, this idea of taking the Master shopping could be a success after all. Chuckling as he spotted patterned tissues, he whirled around and said,

"Hey, Mr Men or Scoobie Doo kitchen roll?" There was no-one behind him. The Master was nowhere in site. He dropped the tissues. "Oh..._shit._"

The Master turned on the machine, feeling powerful for the first time in ages. Of course, killing the entire human race was far more impressive then causing havoc around IKEA with a leafblower, but the evil intention was still there. He giggled at the deep whiring noises, and tested the machine out on the floor, watching the crumbs shoot up the pipe. _Now... _he thought evilly, _time for some fun..._ He turned the machine off as a man walked behind him, stopping to stare at all of the pot plants, and casually, the Master held the pipe against the man's turned head, far enough away for the man not to feel it, switched the dial from "blow leaves away" to "suck leaves in" and pressed on...

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!" The Doctor screamed, ignoring the strange looks he was getting from passers by, abandoning his trolly in the middle of the aisle. Pushing past an old woman, he searched frantically for the Master, looking left and right. Then, hearing a scream, he ran as fast as he could in the direction of the sound.

"GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF MY HEAD!" The man screamed in pain, as the leafblower sucked all the hair on his head towards the pipe.

"I can't!" The Master shouted innocently to be heard over the sound of the leafblower's whirring. It's stuck!" The man screamed harder, and pulled his head, all the hair leaving his head and shooting up the pipe.

"Oh my god!" The Master said delighted, pointing to the groaning man's bald head, "You were wearing a wig! Haha baldy!" Many people who had heard the shouting were now gathering round, stepping back fearfully and whispering furiously under their breath.

"I'm calling the manager!" One shouted. Grinning gleefully, ducking from the hands of people trying to restrain him, he spotted the Doctor's very, very angry face at the end of the garden section.

"It's been a pleasure..." The Master said hastily, backing away from the very furious Doctor, "I love you all, thanks for watching... oh, lawnmower!"

He whirled around to face the displayed lawn mower (_What shop sells lawn mowers... and food? IKEA is weird._He thought while doing so_)_ turned it on, and drive it through the large crowd, people screaming to get out of the way of the gigantic machine. "Sorry!" The Master called as he sped down the aisle with the lawn mower, "best way to get you all to move!"

He drove the lawn mower through the shop, dodging screaming people, almost running over the manager.

"Just testing it!" He called behind his back. _Ah, lift!_ He muttered, as he thanked the gods that this was a two storey shop. Abandoning the lawnmower, he pushed the button to go up, and watched the doors close. Humming to the lift music is if he had not just almost killed half of IKEA with a lawn mower, he smiled.

"Ahh, shopping is fun!"

As the Doctor peddled (there was no way he was going to catch up on foot after all...) in the same direction as the master, on a bright pink girl's bike, security running after him, the Doctor swore under his breath. "Stupid fucking Master!" Spotting the abandoned lawn mower, he abandoned his bike and pressed the lift button, checking behind him to see the security gaining on him.

"No!" He moaned as he was dragged away, "You have to understand.. he's dangerous!"

The Master laid on the floor as the door lifts opened, shouting

"I'VE BEEN STABBED!" To the shocked people waiting to get on the lift, rolling around on the floor to add to the effect. "GET OUT! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!" He grinned as they ran away, picking himself up from the floor before skipping into the second floor of IKEA. Spotting a microphone, clearly there for customer announcments, sticking out of a STAFF ONLY door to his right, the Master picked up the microphone, opened his mouth and...

Passengers screamed, running frantically for the doors, pushing eachother over in their hurry to get out, the Doctor sat guarded by security with his head in his hands as the notice was shouted over and over again by a very familiar voice...

"THE GUNMEN! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL US ALL! EVACUATE, EVACUATE!"

Replacing the microphone, pleased with his work, the Master noticed yet another thing catch his eye... _Ooooh, matches..._

As they sat in the prison cell two hours later, the Master tried and failed to break the silence, as the Doctor stared at him emotionlessly.

"So...sainsbury's next time?"

"YOU IDIOT!" The Doctor shouted, jumping up from his chair. "I ASK YOU TO DO ONE THING, ONE TINY LITTLE THING AND THAT WAS JUST GO ON A SHOPPING TRIP WITHOUT CAUSING CAOS. **ONE BLOODY THING**!"

"I did nothing!"

"YOU DROVE AROUND ON A FUCKING LAWN MOWER, MADE EVERYONE EVACUATE THE BUILDING, REPLACED THE LIFT MUSIC WITH VOODOO CHILD, USED THE WATER GUN ON THE SECURITY GUARDS AND **BURNT THE STORE DOWN!**"

"Oh I did a lot worse!" The Master said beaming.

"...What?" The Doctor sighed, eyes wide.

"I stole all the sporks from their cafe!" And as thousands of plastic sporks fell onto his lap like glitter, the Doctor vowed never, EVER to take the Master shopping again. He jumped as a policeman walked to their cell.

"Please, you've gotta let us out!"

"No way gentlemen." The policeman said cooly, taking out a notepad and a pen. "What we wanna know is why you felt the need to destroy IKEA."

The Doctor opened his mouth to speak, but he was interupted.

"Well-"

"We were forced to. Woman called Martha Jones told us if we didn't do it, she'd kill our families. Some of the death threats were quite alarming." The Master smiled innocently. "I have her address. Would you like it officer?"

_A/N: Review as always please :) Much love xxxxx_


	8. Tents!

_A/N: Inspired by adventures with __**sliceless**__ :P xxxx_

He realised, as he got dressed into his pijamas, after four months stuck together in a TARDIS, The Doctor was getting used to having the Master around the place. They had gone on many dates since their disaster of a first attempt, in which only two of them had resulted in severe injury or an awful lot of borrowed retcon (Which the Doctor thought for the Master, was a great sucess) and they hadn't had another crazy or life threatening incident since two weeks ago, where the Master had accidently (so he had said) blown up the living room. Yes, the Doctor thought, the days of running from angry policemen where behind them. That was until he walked into the TARDIS' gardens, and his dreams where crushed, thrown on the floor and stepped on a couple of times.

Because there, in the centre of the Garden (Right on top of his recently planted flowers, the Doctor noted with a groan), was a giant tent. The tent was blue, and took up nearly all of the Garden, crushing everything in it's path. And poking his head out from inside the tent, grinning madly, was his insane fellow timelord.

"Hello Doctor! What's do you think of the tent? Cool isn't it!" The Doctor stood for a few seconds, mouth open in shock before stumbling over to the Master, who had climbed out of the tent, beaming proudly.

"It's...a tent. There's... a massive tent... in my garden."

"I know, cool isn't it!"

"...how?"  
"I snuck out last night. I finally figured out how to get out of the bloody TARDIS! All I needed was the final password. Seriously, "Doctor" is not a smart choice of password."

A thousand questions rushed through the Doctor's brain as he stared at the giant of a tent, so he settled with a simple,

"Why?"

"Wellll..." The Master replied, hands in pockets, "I got out- we're currently in England, 2001 by the way- and we were practically right next to a giant ARGOS so I figured... why not buy a tent?"

"You have no money! Did you-"

The Master rolled his eyes. "No I didn't steal it. I just stole your credit card. I haven't used one in aaaaggesss, so I went a little overboard. You're now the proud own of twenty six multicoloured toaster keyrings. They come with a mini light and everything!"

The Doctor sighed, collapsing on the only remaining deck chair that hadn't been squashed under the tent. "Why is it so big?"

"Because they were out of two man tents so I bought the 64 man one," He said, rolling his eyes as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "I didn't know they had 64 person tents. Argos is cool! Almost as cool as IKEA."

As the flashbacks of lawn mowers and sporks hit him, the Doctor shuddered. "If you think I'm sleeping in this tent, you have another thing coming. There is nothing, and I repeat _nothing_ you can do or say to make me spend one single bloody night in a tent with you. Absolutely nothing."

As he lay in the tent half an hour later next to the Master, the Doctor swore under his breath.

"Must you always use sex as a way to get what you want?"

"Course I do. Until that doesn't work anymore of course, then I'll move onto emotional blackmail."

"I have a question."

"Yes?"

"Why can I not move my fucking arms and legs without hitting one of the tent walls?"

The Master smiled innocently at the Doctor. "Ah. About that. Well, when I put up the tent and went inside, it was big. Really, really big. And I didn't really see the point in having a tent that big. So I used my laser screwdriver to shrink the inside! It's like the opposite of a TARDIS! Isn't it great?"

Sitting up abruptly, banging his head against the tent's ceiling as he did so, the Doctor hissed, "No. It is not great. I don't really fancy spending a night this close to you barely able to move!"

The Master pouted angelically. "But you usually like being so close to me! Like last night for existance. Don't you remember? You were-"

The Doctor cut into the Master's sentence quickly. "It's far too small."

"It'll be fun! Fine, I'll make it bigger." The Master picked up the laser lying next to him, pressed a button and the tent doubled in size. "Happy now? We have more room! You know what we should do? Light a campfire!"

The Doctor was pretty sure he had never reacted so fast then when the Master had produced a lighter from his pocket.

"NO! PUT IT DOWN, YOU'LL SET THE BLOODY TENT ON FIRE!"

An hour later, just as the Doctor was drifting off to sleep, he let out a very girlish shriek as something very slimy landed on his face. In the dark, he began to slap his own face wildly in an attempt to get the slimy thing off. Said slimy thing flew across the tent and onto the floor, and the Master sat up and watched with amusment as the Doctore began to whack the thing on the floor with his shoe.

"What..." The Doctor wheezed, fuming, "WAS THAT?"

"A slug," The Master replied. "It was crawling along the ceiling of the tent so I poked it with a stick and it fell off and landed on your face! Sorry about that."

As the Master slept later, the Doctor felt around in the dark for the Master's shoe. His hands met leather, and with an evil smirk the Doctor slid the dead slug into the man's shoe. _He couldn't wait to hear the man scream when he put his foot in his shoe! _

The next morning when they both woke up, the Master after a good sleep and the Doctor after two and a half hours of trying to sleep with a rock under the tent digging into his back.

"Did you like my surprise?" The Doctor grinned evilly as he put one of his shoes on, "I bet your foot's covered in it! You may wanna clean your shoes, slug slime is hard to come off." The Master rubbed the sleep from his eyes before looking at the Doctor in confusion.

"What are you talking about? I left my shoes on all night, I forgot to kick them off..."

The Doctor blinked in confusion as he began to put his second shoe on. "What? I definately put something in a shoe last nigh-AHHHHHH!"

The Master nudged the frowning Doctor in the ribs. "Come on grumpy gills, it was fun!"

The Doctor took a deep breath. "I spent a night... stuck with you... in a TENT." He gestured around them at the tent sides to emphasis his point.

"But nothing bad has happened!

"The tent is the size of the outside of the TARDIS, you almost set fire to the tent, the floor is covered in marshmallows because you thought it would be funny to throw them everywhere, random poles are sticking out where you haven't even put the blooming tent up properly, it almost blew away with us in it the middle of the night because you forgot to put the nails around the tent, and it's all because you thought it would be funny to go to Argos and-" He stopped midsentence, realisation dawning on his face. "Wait a minute... you worked out how to get out! So what are you still doing here?"

The Master blinked, and the Doctor could of sworn he looked nervous. "Well yeah, but then I went to argos and bought the tent and I realised I'd.. erm.. left my wallet in here so I came back to get it. And I just figured I had a tent so I may as well put it up in here! I'm out of here soon."

"Yep," The Doctor nodded, "Sure you are."

"But not until I've thought of another brilliant plan to take over the world. Which may take a long time, so I could be stuck here for a while."

"Totally, yeah."

"It's not that I want to stay here or anything. That would be stupid. I'm out the second I think of something."

"Of course."

The Master looked around the tent. "Maybe it is a bit small. But I can think of a load of things we could do. I mean, we're alone, in a tent, we're so close, and if you ask me we have just enough space to... you know... play scrabble or something."

The Doctor grinned. For once, he actually liked the sound of his fellow timelord's plan.

_A/N: The Master was talking about playing scrabble. Of course he was. Not anything dirty. Of course not. -smiles innocently- Review please! xxx_


	9. Do you have it in Blarf?

_A/N: Sorry for the wait :) xxx_

"I..." The Doctor hissed, looking around the newly decorated room, "_hate you_." The Master stuck his hands in his pockets, smiling proudly at the painted walls.

"What? You asked me to do up the spare room for Martha when she visits and that's exactly what I did! I took time out of my schedule and everything! It just goes to show what a nice, generous person I am-"

"YOU PAINTED FUCKING TOCLOFANE ALL OVER THE WALL!" The Doctor screamed, eyes wide.

The Master hesitated. "No! They're... just balls."

"Metal balls with fucking KNIVES sticking out of them? What kind of footballs have THAT?"

"Clearly you've never played extreme catch before. Hey, why don't we do that now? I'll get the knives, and you-"

The Doctor cut him off. "Nope. I'm going to go and make myself a cup of tea, and _you're_ going to stay in here and sort this room out." He left, and the Master was alone in the room. Collapsing down onto one of the pineapple shaped blow up chairs the Master had ordered especially for his favourite person in the whole wide world (_...not)_ The Master tried to work out what was wrong with the room. Toclofane wallpaper, pineapple chairs, shower heads glued to the ceiling and installed to go off at two in the morning and a bed with a specially made "VOTE SAXON" Duvet cover. _She'd love it!_ He thought to himself, sighing. Heaving himself out of the chair, he groaned at all the work he had to do. It was only when he began to paint over the toclofane with blue paint that he spotted the decorating magazines. Flicking through the back of the magazine to the contact numbers, he dropped his paint roller, and picked up the phone.

"Hello there! My name's Jane at Wallpapers R us! How can I help you?"

"Hey Jane!"

"Hello there!"

"..."

"..."

".."

"...Well sir... aren't you going to order?"

"I'll order when I want to order!"

"Um, yes.. terribly sorry sir."

"..."

"..."

"...Okay, I need wallpaper."

"What kind of wallpaper?"

"The kind that sticks to walls!"

"No silly billy! I mean what _colour!_ Red, blue, green, orange?"

"...Do you have blarf?"

"Um... blarf?"

"Yeah. It's like blue and red mixed together."

"That's...that's purple Sir."

"Well on Gallifrey it's called Blarf."

"Gallif-"

"Okay, so the wallpaper is for my mortal enemy. Do you sell wallpaper with water buffallos?"

"Um...we don't really tend to sell those... we have cats?"

"What's wrong with water buffallos?"

"Well, nothing it's just, they're not as popul-"

"So? Who care's if they're not as popular? Do dorks get bullied just because they're not as popular as the cool group?"

"Well...yes-"

"So now you're supporting BULLYING?"

"No! That's not-"

"Wow Jane. For someone who's supposed to be so friendlyl You're not half rude!"

"Good day Sir."

"And don't forget.. I want it in blarf!"

_Beep._

The Master looked around the room proudly. _I have to admit..._ he thought, _this is so much better then the last._ The ceiling was now painted grey (_to match her personality_! The Master had innocently told the Doctor when the man came to check on him) He had borrowed (Okay..._stolen_) The Doctor's credit card to buy her a mushroom shaped bed (She would love it! He decided) and the floor was painted green, because he happened to know that green was her least favourite colour. All he had left to paint where the walls, because the stupid Wallpapers R us company had not arrived with the correct wallpaper. Stuff water buffalos, he had a much better picture...

Martha walked along the TARDIS corridor, bags in tow with a frown on her face. The Doctor had hugged her when she arrived, and they had enjoyed a nice meal. The only spanner in the works? _The Master. _He had spent the entire day humming voodoo child, and he even had the nerve to laugh at her jacket again. She liked her Jacket! It was a nice colour, a nice material, and not the "Red Rubbish Bag" the Master made it out to be. Reaching the room she was going to be staying in, she put her hand on the door knob, and took a deep breath. The Doctor had told her who had designed it, and despite the Doctor telling her the worst thing in the room was the mushroom shaped bed, she was worried. She opened the door, looked at the walls... and screamed.

"For god's sakes Master!" The Doctor screamed at his timelord companion-who-he-definately-didn't-like-in-that-way-because-that-would-be-stupid- and-not-true. "Could you not just stop tormenting her for five flipping seconds?"

"I thought it made the room look... elegant." The Master blinked angelically.

"Covering each wall with a massive poster of you with your thumbs up does _NOT_ make the room look elegant!"

The Doctor had made him take them down. _Oh well..._ the Master thought to himself as he pulled out a walkie-talkie from underneath his pillow that night, _at least he didn't find the walkie-talkie I put in the vent in her room!_

Martha woke with a start, looking around the room wildly. When nothing happened, she frowned. She could have sworn she had heard...

"Martha..." A crackly voice said. She froze.

"That's right Martha..." She jumped out of bed, grabbing the lamp on the chest of draws wildly,

"How are you Martha?" The sound of her nemesis echoed across the room.

"Where are you?" She cried.

"I'm everywhere..."

Martha let out a cry, brandishing the lamp.

"And the best part is? I'm here all night... we're going to have such a fun week together!"

Martha left the next morning. The Master cheered, and the Doctor decided that he was never, _ever _letting the Mastere decorate without his supervision again. Not if the delivery truck dropping off £100 worth of water buffallo wallpaper was anything to go by.

_A/N: Hope you liked it :) Review as usual please xxxx_


	10. Holidays

_A/N: God, I haven't updated this in a while, have I? Sorry guys :P Bit of a sweet one here xxxx_

"Holiday?" The Master asked.

"Yes," The Doctor said, beaming, "A holiday."

"On Earth?"

"Of course! They have some of the nicest hotels!"

"Or, we could just go to some planet, invade it, and build a hotel ourselves." The Master suggested, eyes lighting up at the thought of killing something after nine months of being _good._

"And Earth has some of the most beautiful oceans you'll ever see!" The Doctor said, completely ignoring his fellow time lord's statement.

"Okay, I'll tell you what," The Master said, rubbing his hands together in glee as a plan formed in his mind, "We'll capture everyone on earth... kill them... and voila! Ocean of blood!"

"No, I don't really think that's very-" The Doctor began, but the Master was too busy wrapped up in his daydream to register the sound of the Doctor's voice.

"This really could be amazing! Why don't we make it a beach? We can burn the bodies after we kill them and use the ashes as sand! And if we cut out their intestines or something I'm sure it'll mke a pretty good icecream, and-"

"No!" The Doctorsaid, interupting the Master's mental killing spree, "There'll be no killing, or maiming, or burning-"

"What about exploding?" The Master butted in unhelpfully, "Are we allowed that? I do like a good bit of exploding-"

"Still no!" The Doctor said desperatley, "I just want a nice holiday were nothing disasterous happens, is that too much to ask?"

The Master stared at his frielarge pleading eyes, and for the first time the Master felt a little guilty. "Okay..." He said reluctantly, "But can we invite Martha?"

The Doctor grinned happily at his friend's agreement, and wandered happily around the kitchen, mumbling abou packing, "I thought you hated Martha?"

"I do, but it would be fun to spend a week annoying her!"

_**...**_

"Do you like it?" The Doctor said, suitcase in hand as he and The Master entered their hotel room. The Master had already forgotten the name of the hotel, something to do with Ocean views, or sky views... something to do with views anyway. He did have to admit, the room did look quite nice, and the view out to the beach really was wonderful.

"It's..." The Master said, dumping his suitcase on the large double bed, "_Okay..._"

"Don't lie," The Doctor said, chuckling, "You love it!"

The Master had to admit, the Spanish beach was so much nicer to look at then his own mental beach of death. Even if his mental beach of death would be more fun to make. The golden sand sank between their toes and the Spanish sun shone down onto the sea, making it glitter. They were both currently lying in their deck chairs relaxing. Nothing too disasterous had happened, other then the Master trying to bury a fat Spanish man in the sand, but after a lot of apologising the man took it well. The Master was a bit shocked by the niceness of the people were they were staying. They actually _laughed_ when he began to juggle knives, unlike Martha who had run for her life screaming. The Master was shocked that nothing too bad had happened, and he couldn't help but feel proud of himself. I mean, he'd walked past an aquarium and not let all the fish loose, how much more of an angel can you be? He was just considering buying an icecream when he shivered.

"You alright?" The Doctor asked, concerned.

"I'm fine," The Master said, shivering again. He was fine for another half an hour, until he shivered again, and again and again. Suddenly, the warm Spanish beach didn't seem so warm anymore, in fact, it felt freezing. He considered telling the Doctor that he felt like an icecube, but then he saw the happy look on his fellow timelord's face. He had to admit, the Doctor really did deserve a break, and seeing how relaxed the man looked for once he didn't have the heart to mess up his plans, so instead the Master sat back in his deck chair, hoping the Doctor would soon get bored of the beach.

The next day, the Master didn't feel any better. He still felt freezing, even after a night curled up in bed, and now Mr Headache had decided to come and pay him a visit, and the constant beating of the drums plus the sharp pains of his headache made the most awful symphony. He smiled at the Doctor as he walked into the hotel room's kitchen, trying to ignore the thick pounding in his head making him dizzy.

"So today," The Doctor said, after handing him a coffee, "I was thinking we could maybe check out this festival that's going on near the market?" It was the first time the thought of loud bangs, shouting and loud music made the Master want to go back to bed. He decided to tell the Doctor he wasn't up for it. They could come and see it anytime, they did have a tardis after all. But then The Master saw the look of excitement on the Doctor's face.

"Yeah..." The Master said weakly, "It'll be fun..." By the time they got back two hours later the Master felt like Mr Headache had ate too much cake and got ten times bigger.

On the third day when the Doctor suggested they go for a swim in the hotel pool the Master felt like crying. His muscles ached and everytime he moved a stab of pain surged through his body. Plus, he knew what the Doctor was like. "Swimming" did not meant bobbing along the water, swimming meant "We're gonna do lengths until we can barely breath swimming". The Doctor always did like swimming. He was about to fall back into bed when the memory popped to the front of his mind. _I just want a nice holiday._ With a sigh, he grabbed his trunks. The Doctor seemed too relieved that things had actually gone to plan for once to notice the wince on his companion's face.

On the fifth and final day of their holiday, they were at the beach again. Still shivering, the Master's eyes widened when The Doctor suggested a swim in the sea. It didn't matter that they were in Spain, and that it was summer, the sea was still freezing. How did the Master know this? Because it was the _sea._ It didn't matter where you went and what time of year, the sea was _always_ going to be freezing. So when the Doctor moved to pull him up from his deck chair, the Master clung on for dear life.

"You alright?" The Doctor asked, grinning, "I thought you didn't mind the cold?"

"Yeah," The Master said slowly, letting himelf be pulled up, resigned to his fate of dying in what was practically a frozen lake, "I don't mind."

"Are you alright?" The Doctor said frowning. "Hey, you're freezing..." The last thing the Master saw before he fainted was the Doctor's shocked face.

Opening his eyes blearily, the first thing that Master realised was that he was back in his bedroom in the TARDIS. The second thing he realised was that he was no longer freezing.

"That's probably because you're surrounded by about six hot water bottles," The Doctor said in front of him, grinning at the Master. "I carried you back to the hotel room and packed our stuff. Why didn't you tell me you were ill?"

The Master went to reply, and found his voice absolutely ached. "You wanted a nice holiday..." The Master croaked snuggling into the man's chest, (A move he would later deny, of course). "What can I say? I decided to give you what you wanted for once..."

The Doctor chuckled, and kissed the man's forehead. "Next time, tell me if you're feeling crap. You've got the flu, a couple of days rest will do you good."

"Days sitting around doing nothing!" The Master moaned.

"I'll tell you what... if you manage to avoid blowing up your room with boredom... I'll find you a deserted building to explode."

At the thought of finally being able to blow up something again, suddenly being ill didn't seem quite so bad.

_A/N: Aww, the Master was relatively nice for once! Clearly being ill brings out the best in people :P Review please? xxxxxx_


	11. Christmas!

A/N: I know, I know, it's been a while! Have a happy Christmas for tomorrow guys! Or today, depending where you are xxx

"I have an idea!" The Doctor beamed.

"Does it involve a large supply of mutant porcupines?"

"Um...no?"

"Then I'm not interested."

"Oh come on!" The Doctor moaned, giving the Master a nudge with his elbow, "It's Christmas! You know, the time for giving, appreciating, spending time with friends?"

"If it's your friends we're going to be spending time with, then I'm still not interested!" The Master replied, not looking up from the book he was reading.

"Look, Martha and Jack are coming over tomorrow for Christmas dinner tomorrow, and you are going to come to, whether you like it or not. Understand?"

The Master looked at the Doctor as if he'd grown two heads. "I've sent her hate mail, thrown food in her hair, covered her walls in pictures of me and posted a bomb through her letter box.. I'm sorry for thinking you'd got the message that I hate her."

"Look, I'm sure once you two get to know each other you'll become fast fri- wait... what bomb?

The Master blinked innocently. "Oh it was nothing. Just a tiny little one. She'll forgive me, it being Christmas and all that."

The Master beamed at the glaring Jack Harkness from across the table. "So glad you could make it Harkness! I must admit I do like your tie, the reindeer on it looks very nice."

"Shut up."

"You know what would complete the look? Antlers."

The Doctor gave the Master a look that clearly said "If you annoy him anymore he'll hack you into tiny little pieces", so the Master moved onto his next target.

"So Martha, did you appreciate my Christmas present?"

"What, the bomb or that hit man?" Martha said coldly.

"There was a hit man?" The Doctor said, his eyes wide.

"No hit man. Just... a friend. Called... Mitch. He likes to kill people. Bad Mitch!" The Master told him angelically.

"Right, well I'm going to go and dish up the dinner..." The Doctor said, rising up from the table warily, leaving the three of them alone.

"So..." The Master began, breaking the awkward silence, "Who wants to make a snowman?"

"There's no snow." Jack replied stonily, his fists clenched as though he was willing himself not to pull out his gun.

"Tell you what, we could burn the hub and use the ashes!"

"Stop testing my patience!"

"Just don't let him get to you Jack," Martha muttered, "That's what he wants."

"You're getting smarter every day Martha! All you need now is a personality and you'll be all set!"

Martha was stopped from making a remark back by the Doctor entering, carrying two steaming plates of food, one containing potatoes and the other carrots.

"Couldn't help me bring the rest out, could you?" The Doctor asked the Master, and the Master left the room with him, waving at Jack and Martha as he did so.

"Well...this is nice, isn't it?" The Doctor beamed as they all sat around the table five minutes later.

"No." Three dull voices replied.

"Oh cheer up!" The Doctor said, before passing the plate of roast potatoes to Jack. "Have a potato!"

Jack rolled his eyes, and put two on his plate. Cutting one in half, he bit into it. "I have to say Doc you're not a bad cook!"

Martha turned one of her potatoes, and frowned. "Doctor... why are they blue at the bottom?"

"Oh, that would be the poison!" The Doctor said cheerily.

The room was silent. All that could be heard after a very long pause was the sound of Jack saying incredulously, "And you let me fucking EAT one?"

"Poison..." Martha said slowly, looking at the Master, "POISON?"

"Why is it, whenever there's an event that could possibly kill us, everyone blames me?" The Master moaned.

"It was me Martha!" The Doctor said happily."

"WHY?" Martha practically screamed.

"I only put a bit in! It gives them that extra crunch. Besides, the particles in our second hearts over rides the poison so it's not like it's deadly or anything!"

"Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"We're human."

"Yes...I'm aware."

"WHICH MEANS WE DON'T HAVE A SECOND BLOODY HEART!" Martha shouted.

The Doctor's face paled. "...Shit, I forgot."

The last thing Jack said before he died was, "I'm going to die... because of a FUCKING POTATO?"

The Master gave the currently dead Jack's back a poke with his fork. "Think he'll mind if I take his Yorkshire pudding?"

The Doctor and Martha ignored him, and continued to bicker.

"Are you bloody stupid?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

"You know," The Master said slowly, "I've just realised... we've had an incident... and it wasn't my fault! This is such a great achieve-" He waved his arms a little too widely and knocked over the gravy boat, spilling gravy all over the table. "Oops. Maybe next time." 

Jack had woke up in very bizarre situations before. For example, he remembers he had came gasping back to life dressed in a banana costume in the middle of the desert once, but waking up, hair covered in gravy to a Master happily pulling crackers with himself after being killed by a poisonous potato happened to be the weirdest.

"Hey Harkness! Wanna pull a cracker?" The Master said by a way of greeting.

"What the-" Jack stopped, sighed, and decided not to bother asking who had put antlers on his head. "Yeah... alright then."

"Personally..." The Master said later, "I think that was a great success!"

"Shut up."

"I vote we do it every year from now on!"

"Shut up."

"Hey, why did the potato cross the road?"

"I hate you sometimes."

A/N: Merry Christmas! xxx


	12. Chicken?

_A/N: My hands still ache from typing the year that never was. So what do I do to make them better? ...Write some more! :D Listen, I command you all to go and read __**sliceless **__ and __**Chasing Aspiration's**__ fanfics. Both are incredibly talented authors and amazing people xxxx_

"We're off to save a planet."

The Master put down his book. "I'm sorry... What?"

"We're going to go on an adventure to save a planet. I'm going to unleash your inner goodness!" The Doctor beamed proudly, pleased with his plan.

"Well, I suppose I could- no."

"Oh come on!" The Doctor moaned. "I've had enough of you trying to murder people!"

"Hey!" The Master argued, "I think you'll find I only murderer people who severly upset me!"

"What did the server at Mcdonalds ever do to severly upset you?"

"He got my order wrong!"

"No he didn't!"

"Yes he did!"

"How many times do I have to tell you! Humans can't read minds, so unless you tell them they're not gonna know you want to change your order!"

"Wait, they can't?" The Master paused. "Oh who cares, he wasn't going to be anyone important anyway."

"You know, in all my 900 years I never met anyone who wasn't important." The Doctor said, glaring at his timelord companion as he sat down _(Yes, yes I did use a christmas special quote.)_

"You have met someone unimportant."

"Who?"

"Me."

The timelord's eyes widened, and he hugged his friendwhomostdefinatelyisn'thisboyfriend "Oh Kosh! Don't you ever say that, of course you're important!"

"I was joking. I know I'm the sex, I meant Martha."

He beamed as the Doctor glared. "What? Look, if it really means that much to you, we'll go and save a planet."

Two hours later, The Doctor glared at the Master as they lay chained and upside down to the ceiling. "Have I ever mentioned I hate you?"

"How is this my fault?" The Master protested. "Here we are on Planet Zeskia, we stopped their evil ruler taking over the planet, end up tied to the ceiling and somehow it's _my _fault?"

"You called the new leader a Chicken on Stilts!"

"Because they ARE bloody chicken on stilts!"

"Yes, but was the impression REALLY necessary?"

As they continued bickering, the door opened, and a very strange looking chicken walked in. It had a normal chicken's body, but very long, thin legs, as if it had been stretched on the washing line, so tall that the chicken had to duck slightly to avoid hitting it's head on the ceiling. Adding that to the fact the chicken was blue, it was no wonder the Master took the mick out of them.

"Hello, timelords!" It said in a spanish accent.

"Oh come on!" The Master complained, "It has a Spanish accent! How could I NOT take the piss?"

"Listen... ermmm... chicken thing..." The Doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry for my companion's rudeness, but he was merrily under the impression that you'd look like a normal earth chicken, like the rest of your people."

"I am blue!" The chicken said hautily, "Only the royal family are blue!"

"Um, right, okay... but that's not what I was referring to."

"You mean my accent?" The chicken clucked angrily.

"Erm.. no?" The Doctor said, face turning red from being upside down for too long.

"Then what?"

"YOUR SIX FOOT LONG LEGS MAYBE?" The Master shouted.

"Master, stop offending him!" The Doctor shouted.

"OFFEND HIM, HE'S A BLOODY TALKING CHICKEN!"

"A talking chicken with weapons might I add!" The spanish chicken added.

"Oh shut up fat face."

"Fat face?" The chicken asked in confusion. "What is the meaning of this term?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Seriously guys, can we go back to the issue of-"

"Well you know when you have a face?"

"Yes.."

"Seriously, I really want to get out of these chains so can we just-"

"And you know when, like, your face is fat?"

"Yes..."

"OI!"

The chicken turned to look at him. "Yes?"

"Let us out.." The Doctor demanded... or I'll be forced to hurt you! I'm the... universe's best wrestler you know!"

The chicken stared at him in shock. "Really?"

"Yeah! I'll beat you up... like... WAM!" The Doctor swiped the air, theebly.

"WAM?"

"Yeah, WAM! WAM BAM!"

"Thank you mam!" The Master added giggling. "God I'm so funny."

"Modest too..." The Doctor added dryly.

"Yeah! God, I'm just amazing aren't I?"

Six hours later

"Doctor?" The Master poked the expression-less Doctor as they sat down in the kitchen later that day, "Seriously, stop ignoring me."

The Doctor turned to face him angrily. "Why did you kill him? Was it really necessary?"

"He called me a fatface!"

"You're the one that taught him that!"

"...Okay fair point."

"They were letting us go, nice and quietly, but No, you had to pull out your weapon. Stop winking at me, you know that's not the weapon I meant!"

The Master rolled his eyes. "For God's sakes, get over it! I'm the Master, it's what I do!" He sniggered, "Pull out my weapon and fire!" He laughed harder.

The Doctor stood up angrily. "You know what? I can see right through you! You really _do_ think you're unimportant! That's why you act like you do! You can't stand the thought of blending in with everyone else, being normal, you want to be special! That's why you go around killing people, so people notice you! You always try and annoy Martha because you're scared that one day her feelings for me might be returned! You've got it into your head that you have to cause catastrophy wherever you go because you think otherwise you're just like any other person in this universe. When are you going to get it into your head that you don't need to destroy and maim and bully to be important to me?" The Doctor finished, breathing heavily.

The room was silent.

"I'm right," The Doctor croaked, his voice hurting from all the half shouting, "I'm right, aren't I?"

The Master stared at him as if he had grown two heads. "No..."

"Oh." The Doctor said, turning red. "Oh, right okay then. Well..." He looked around the room wildly, "We.. erm... need more bread... I'm gonna... go get some." And with that, he ran from the room.

"Nice to know I'm important to you Doctor!" The Master called after him.

_A/N: You, I and the Master all know the Doctor's right of course... the Master's just not ready to admit to it yet. ;D Review? Also, anything you want in the next chapter let me know xxxxxx_


	13. Torchwood

_A/N: Sorry chapter updates are taking so long! xxxxx_

"Now promise me you'll behave."

The Master rolled his eyes. "For gods sakes, I'm not a child! Remind me where you're going again?"

"A planet needs my help, their royal family is being threatened by a neighbourhood planet. It's going to take a couple of days to sort out, that's why I'm leaving you with Torchwood." The Doctor informed him.

"Why can't I just come with you?" The Master moaned.

"Because I don't trust you alone on a planet."

"Then why can't I just stay in the TARDIS?"

"Because I don't trust you alone with the TARDIS."

"Then why can't you just lock me in a cardboard box with some bread and a toaster so I don't starve?"

"Because I don't even trust you alone with a toaster."

"Fine, whatever," The Master spat, "But you'll regret this!"

"Hello!" The lady with black hair and a small gap in her teeth smiled. "My name's Gwen, and this is Tosh and Owen." She said, pointing to the brown haired man and woman behind her.

"I've met you before." The Master said, raising an eyebrow at the woman's cheerfulness.

"I know, but only briefly, and I think it would be nice to re-introduce ourselves so we all get off to a nice start!" Gwen beamed.

Owen rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I feel like I'm in fucking preschool around you Gwen."

"I like you Gwen" The Master told her, with an mischeivious glint in his eye.

"Really?""

"Yeah! You remind me of Martha a bit."

"I thought you hated Martha?" Tosh asked skeptically.

"I did, but now we're the best of friends! We have such a laugh together, and I can just tell I'm going to have just as much fun with you, Gwen!"

Gwen grinned happily.

"I swear, if you even attempt to do anything to any members of my team while you're staying here, something which I was forced into agreeing to might I add, I'll..." Jack said as he entered the room with Ianto.

"Oh lighten up Harkness, I think your team are alright! Did you not hear, Gwen's my new Martha!"

Jack's eyes widened. "If you dare even think of pulling any stunts like you pull on Martha I'll..."

"Again with the threatening!" The Master said, arms raised in mock surrender. "My trickery days are over, I've turned over a new leaf!"

"Since _when_?" Tosh stared at him.

"Since, you know... now."

"You know what we should do?" Gwen said, "We should play truth. That way, we can find out more about our guest, and he can find out more about us!"

"That's a great idea!" The Master said, clapping his hands together. "Only problem is I'm not telling you anything about me and I don't really care about any of your boring lives. Oh well, better luck next time." And with that, he sauntered off, leaving a very baffled team behind.

"I have to admit..." Ianto smiled as Jack stormed off angrily into his office, "This could certainly be very amusing..."

"What the hell is that banging?" Jack shouted as another large crash echoed around the hub. Owen poked his head up from under his sleeping bag and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"I don't know. Remind me why you made us all sleep here again?"

"In case he tries anything!"

"Jack..." Tosh said, sitting up as well, "He's not "going to try anything". Seriously, I know you don't like the man, but you locked him in a bloody cell for goodness sakes! What's the worst he can do?"

"But-" Jack said, looking around nervously.

"Forget it Jack, go back to bed."

From his place sitting on the floor in the cell Harkness had shoved him in, The Master was furious. "Who the hell does Harkness think he is?" He shouted loudly to the ceiling, as if some form of God would come down and agree with him, "I swear, you accidently release a couple of aliens and accidently send a fax to the President of the USA telling him Daleks are taking over the world again and suddenly you're "dangerous" and a "threat to society"!" He said, fingers used as quotation marks, "It's absolutely ridiculous!"

Suddenly, he stopped, grinned wickedly. "Ah...but I have a secret weapon!" Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out Jimmy. _(A/N: Remember? His new best duck friend from the second chapter? XD" _"Come on Jimmy..." He smiled evilly, patting the duck's head, "Let's give him hell..."

"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE!" Jack screamed the next day, and Owen and Ianto had to make a grab for the man as he lunged at the Master.

"I'm sorry, but I fail to see what the problem is."

"THAT, is the problem!" Jack screamed again, pointing at the television, which currently displayed a very scared newsreader.

_"Hello, I'm Felicity Jackson in the centre of London. There appears to be what witnesses have described as a...__**giant duck**__wreeking havoc in central London. We at BBC news have been informed that the duck is roughly the size of a house and as tall as two canary wharfs. It has been reported that the giant duck, apparently made of plastic has already trampled on several buildings. The police have already tried to bring down the creature, but it appears bullets do not seem to be working."_

The members of Torchwood all turned to face the laughing Master. "God, whoever did that is a genius!" The Master said, wiping a tear from his eye.

"How did you do it?" Jack demanded.

"It wasn't me!"

_"A witness informed us that on the duck's base words had been written on with what appeared to be permenant marker. These words were, "This duck is called Jimmy."_

"That... is not sufficient proof it was me."

_"Please return to the Master if found."_

"...I'm sure there are many Masters on earth." The Master defended.

"Do you not realise how much retcon we're gonna have to use to sort this out?" Tosh yelled.

"Erm.. a lot, I'm guessing? Anyway, you haven't heard the best part yet!"

_"The gigantic duck has taken two woman hostage. Both appeared to be sellotaped to it's back." _The camera then cut to the gigantic duck as it trampled on another office, and the camera zoomed in to the duck's wing, where Martha and Gwen had been covered from feet to waist in sellotape, were screaming loudly.

"Isn't it great?" The Master asked cheerfully. "They get to have a nice little fairground ride! Oh I can just tell I'm going to enjoy staying with you guys!"

"Well I'm not really that keen on Gwen, so..." Ianto muttered, and his team mates turned to glare at him. "What?"

The Master put his hand on Jack's shoulder. "Don't worry buddy, me and Jimmy will only be here for another three days!"

Jack screamed inside.

_A/N: Thanks for reading, review? :D Anything you want to see the Master do? xxxxx_


	14. Twwiilliiigghhhttt

_A/N: Sorry updates have been a while! I don't know when I'll next be able to update yet :( But thanks for waiting! xxxx_

"Please!" Jack begged over the phone. "Please, just come back and take him away!"

"I'm busy Jack!" The Doctor replied, as he lay on a sunbed in California, sipping his cocktail, sighing contently as the warm sun hit his body, "Helping... save a planet and all that."

"But you can't leave us with him any long! He's a nightmare!"

"Oh, I erm, gotta go!" The Doctor said, "There's an alien attacking me-" He held his hand over the phone's speaker, "Crrr, crrr, we're breaking up!"

"Doctor!"

"Bye Jack!" The Doctor shoved the phone in his swimming trunk pocket and leant back with a happy sigh, putting his sunglasses back on. Pretending to have a planet to save so he could get a holiday was the best idea he ever had.

"Hey Gwen!" The Master beamed, tapping the shoulder of the welshwoman. Gwen jumped, before eying him warily. She had kept her distance from the Master ever since the... _duck incident._

"What?"

The Master rolled his eyes. "Look, for the last time, Jimmy needed someone to play with, and I wasn't going to let him wave ME around in the air, was I? He could have killed me! Anyways, that's not why I'm here. What's this?"

Gwen looked at the paperback in his hand. "That's a book..." She said slowly, as if talking to a child.

The Master sighed. "I know, you idiotic human child. I meant," He gestured to the title, "_What the hell is __**twilight**__?"_

"So then Edward and Bella are reunited and they go to their school's winter dance." Gwen finished half an hour later. "It's sweet."

The Master stared at the book as if it had grown two heads. "So he's a _vampire... _yet he didn't kill her?"

"That's what I said." Owen informed him, as he walked over to Gwen's desk. "It's a book of girlishness and insanity, stay as far away from it as you can."

"And this James guy..." The Master asked slowly, "He has a ponytail?"

"Well..." Gwen hesitated, "It's not a necessary part of the story, but yeah, he does have a-"

"How rubbish a villain can you get!" The Master complained. "Seriously, a _ponytail_?"

"Ponytails look very attractive on some men!" Gwen argued.

"You know what I say we do?" The Master said, standing up. "I say we recreate Twilight, but actually make it decent this time!"

"Fine," Ianto's voice called from the kitchen, "But I'll be camera man. I'm not playing some sparkly twat."

"What the-" Jack's mouth fell open as he came through the hub's doors, staring in shock at the scene before him.

"We're making twilight!" Ianto called up cheerfully, holding onto a small camcorder. Gwen was on the floor clutching her side, swearing under her breath, Owen was pointing at her and laughing, wearing what looked like a binbag on his head and the Master was stood in the centre on JACK's spinny chair, holding a mop on his head.

"Hello Jack!" He called cheerfully.

Suddenly, Tosh came running through the tourist office door, her hair spiked with gel, "Bella, I'm-" She froze when she saw Jack, before chuckling nervously. "Hey...Jack..."

"What's going on?" Jack shouted, his hand on his hips, "You're meant to be working!"

"Well," The Master began, dropping down to sit on the chair, "We're recreating twilight. I'm James. I'm wearing a mop because it's the closest we could get to a ponytail. Owen's Jacob, but we couldn't find a black wig so he's using a binbag. Tosh is edward. Gwen was Bella... but I shot her." He laughed. "I had to try and bite her arm but I didn't want her germs in my body so I shot her in the side instead. Oops."

Jack's face was pale, his eyes blank and his team members stared at their captain's blank expression.

"If it helps..." Gwen wheezed, "It doesn't hurt... _that _much. If I close my eyes... it just feels like a very painful massage!"

"That's it..." Jack whispered, "I don't care if the Doctor's saving the entire fucking universe, I want you OUT OF HERE!"

"I remember there was a time..." The Doctor muttered, as both he and the Master were thrown back into the TARDIS by a very angry Jack, ("Come again! Seriously... you're entertaining, come again." Ianto, Tosh and Owen had shouted after them) "Back at home where you managed to go a day without getting into trouble. It was rare, I know, but it happened."

"Ah but I haven't got any worse," The Master pointed out, "I've just been getting caught more."

"Can't you just have a nice quiet day for once? For me?" The Doctor begged.

"I'll tell you what," The Master said, putting his arm over the Doctor, "You go back to California or Spain or wherever you buggered off to, and I'll go off on my own for a bit."

"...What?" The Doctor said.

"Yeah!" The Master said, smiling. "It's obvious we both want different things. You want to save people and I want to watch them drown in a river of their own blood, we were never going to find a compromise."

"But..." The Doctor said, before grinning, "Aha! You can't go, because you haven't worked out how to override the TARDIS controls to let you go more then 100 metres away from the TARDIS yet! You'd be stuck!"

The Master shook his head fondly at his friend. "Oh but I worked that out ages ago. It wasn't exactly hard." He tapped his head, "Genius, remember?"

"So..." The Doctor said uncomfortably. half of his brain annoyed that his controls had been unlocked so easily and a part of him very, very confused as to why the Master was still here, "How come you're still here then?"

The Master tutted, looking at the Doctor seriously. "Do I even have to say it?"

"You don't... have to leave you know."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah... I suppose I could cope with another couple of months of you."

"Okay. I'm buying the twilight dvds though."

"...why?"

"I like pointing out their many, many flaws."

"Right then..."

_A/N: Sorry it was short, and sorry twilight fans. I personally think the books are alright :P but whatevs. Review? :) xxxx_


	15. A trip to the cinema

_A/N: I know, I know, it's been a while... Hope you enjoy this chapter! xxxx_

"Okay," The Doctor said, "I'm not sure if this is really such a good idea. I vote instead we stay here."

From his place leaning against the TARDIS controls, the Master sighed. "I just don't believe you have the whole of time in your hands and you haven't even been to see the seventh movie."

"I've been busy!" The Doctor defended, "Besides, I thought you hated everything to do with earth?"

"Oh I do," The Master assured, "Apart from Harry Potter. Seriously, Voldemort's a role model. Splitting his soul? Genius! So we're going to watch the movie, then I'm off to meet the man himself."

The Doctor looked at the Master in confusion. "What man?"

"You know, Voldemort!"

"You do realise..." The Doctor hesitated, fearing the answer, "That the people in movies on earth aren't real, right?"

The Master looked as if he'd just been told all the evil had been sucked from the world, and clones of Martha were now ruling the earth. "What?" He moaned.

"Come on," The Doctor hurried, setting the TARDIS controls quickly, before the Master decided to try and _create_ Voldemort, "I know a nice little cinema near London, we'll go there."

"Cinema popcorn is crap," The Master decided, as they sat down in their seats. "However, it's very good for throwing." The Doctor watched as a single popcorn piece flew forward, hitting the screen.

"You won't be able to do that for much longer," The Doctor warned, "People don't tend to react too calmly to popcorn constantly hitting the screen of the film they're trying to watch." The pair had arrived early, so screen room nine was empty apart from the pair of them.

"Ah yes, but because I have such a wonderful charm about me, I will be forgiven."

Ten minutes later, the pair had been joined by Matilda and Joshua, a very timid couple of London who were good fans of the book, Simon, a bus driver who lived ten minutes away, (this would be the third time he had seen the movie in two days) and a group of youths consisting of Calvin, George, Brad and Harry. The Doctor knew this because the Master insisted on questioning everyone in the cinema the moment they entered the doors. The Doctor considered asking the group of boys if they even knew how to _spell _Harry Potter, but taking into account they looked like the kind of youth that would be carrying knives, he decided against it.

"This is boring!" The Master shouted after the third advert for car insurance.

"Innit!" Calvin yelled in agreement.

"So what's your name anyway?" Matilda asked the Master, who was sitting directly two seats above her.

"Tom."

"Tom what?"

"Riddle."

There was silence.

"That's well wicked man!" George shouted. The Doctor just rolled his eyes.

"Bellatrix is fine!" Brad yelled the second Bellatrix appeared for the first time.

"I'd do her." The Master agreed with a fond nod.

"Could you be quiet please?" Simon scowled, "I'm trying to watch the film."

"Oh but of course."

Matilda and Joshua smiled in thanks, and Simon went back to happily eating his popcorn. There was silence, as everyone in the cinema stared at the screen, watching Voldemort point his wand at the floating teacher." Suddenly, as the well known green light flashed across the screen-

"THAT'S IT VOLDEMORT, YOU AVADA KEDAVRA THAT BITCH!"

"Mas- Tom!" The Doctor shouted, shoving his friend, "Shut up!"

"Hedwig..." Matilda whispered, wiping a tear from her cheek.

"Mad eye!" Simon moaned.

"Don't worry," The Master smiled, jumping down to place a comforting hand on the woman's shoulder, "Hedwig's up in animal heaven now. Hey, you know he like, fell down to earth?"

"Yes?" Joshua whispered, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

"...Do you reckon he like, got hit by a truck on the way down or something! Because that would just be freaking awesome!"

That only made Joshua, Simon and Matilda cry harder.

"Potter and Hermione dance like retards." Harry pointed out.

"Oh I know," The Master agreed, it's like, "God, get some dance lessons."

"Could everyone please stop interrupting!" Simon moaned.

"Oh, just shut up and eat your popcorn, fattie."

"Master!" The Doctor hissed under his breath.

"Yes dear?"

"Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"You know what!"

"Calvin!" The Master called.

"Yeah mate?" The boy replied.

"This man's starting on me."

The four boys stood up, and the Doctor couldn't help but feel slightly afraid for his life. "You startin' on our mate Tom?"

The Master nodded seriously. "God, he's so annoying."

"Come sit with us mate!" Brad offered.

The Doctor decided, as the Master joined the four youths, and the five of them began to throw popcorn at the back of simon's head, that he was never going to take The Master to the cinema ever, ever again.

"Oh god," Matilda whispered, "Not Dobby..."

Even the Doctor could feel a tear sliding down his cheek, as the world's favourite house elf closed his eyes for the final time.

The Master shrugged. "It could be worse. He could have drown in a lake of mustard or something, that would have been worse."

As they walked out of the cinema, the Master beamed. "That was fun!"

The Doctor remained blank faced. "You shouted "Shit, it's the dark lord" whenever Voldemort appeared on the screen."

The Master grinned, "What can I say? He was scary!"

"You laughed when anyone died."

"Especially Hedwig," The Master added fondly, "That was just hilarious."

"You kept poking me with your finger, claiming it was your "wand"!" The Doctor shouted.

"...I could poke you with another wand if you like?" The Master offered with a grin.

"I am NEVER taking you here again."

"Oh that's a shame, because I was hoping we could go in and watch it again, sit in the back of the cinema and we could, you know, reenact the fake Harry Hermione kiss or something."

Needless to say, the Doctor couldn't watch the movie any better the second time then he had the first.

_A/N:Review please? :D xxxx_


	16. App Attack

_A/N: I know it's been ages, but I've had so much going on I haven't had the time to update! Anyways, this is the chapter in which the Master discovers... the ipod. What harm can you do with an ipod you say? Watch and find out... Also, this isn't really much of a chapter, just something to make up for lost time, mostly talking as well, sorry XD No way to spell check, so sorry for any mistakes xxxxx_

As the all to familiar tune of the Scissor Sisters "I can't decide" ran through the TARDIS, the Doctor finally decided that _enough was enough_.

"Oi!" He called, knowing the Master would be able to hear the yell over the music.

The Master's grinning head popped around the door. "Hello there!"

"Can't you just plug in your headphones or something?" The Doctor complained, "This song brings back memories."

The Master raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Of 2006?"

"No."

"Memories of when modern music wasn't shit?"

"No!"

"Memories of when I left that goat in your bedroom a couple days ago and it ate your lamp?"

"No-wait, what's that got to do with the scissor sisters?"

He shrugged. "Both got an S in them?"

The Doctor sighed. "But they don't though."

"Yeah they do, G-O-A-T-S. See? S!"

"No, because- wait... there were two of them?" He paled.

The Master chuckled nervously. "Did I say goats? I meant goat."

The Doctor shook his head. The disappearing goat was a problem that could be solved another day.

"Anyway, what do you mean put headphones in? What are headphones?"

The Master's look of genuine confusion shocked the Doctor. "You don't know what headphones are?" He gasped, "But you must have seen some! Humans put them in their ears and they're plugged into music devices... they're usually white or black?"

"Oh, those!" The Master nodded, sitting down at the kitchen table, "I thought they were a method of torture or something. Or just really large earrings."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Come on you, we're going to argos."

At the mention of the shop, The Master's eyes lit up. "Ooh, can we-"

"No, we can't buy another tent."

"...Selfish prat."

The Doctor decided that buying the latest ipod was probably the best idea. After a minor incident walking back to the TARDIS, ("Master! I've told you before, we do NOT attempt to strangle people with earphones!") they were back inside the TARDIS.

"How do I plug them in again?"

"Put it in the hole-" The Master winked, and the Doctor sighed. "You know what hole I'm talking about. God, you're like a bloody child sometimes."

"Okay, now what?"

"You turn it on- stop winking at me!"

"And now we need to plug it into the computer and download all my music?"

The Doctor nodded. "Exactly."

The Master, depressed at how long a process that sounded, began to fiddle with the ipod. A few seconds of fiddling, and his eyes lit up.

"Doctor..."

"Yes?" The Doctor asked, a hint of worry in the man's voice at the Master's "innocent" expression.

"Did you know there's a camera on this?"

And that was the start of what the Doctor would soon come to call, "The Curse of The Apps"...

"Er, I don't think a photo of my feet is something you really have to take-"

"No you cannot film us having-!"

"I'M IN THE SHOWER, GET THAT FUCKING CAMERA AWAY FROM ME!"

_"But we could look back on it later and-"_

"OUT!"

While the Master's camera antics were annoying, they were nothing compared to the rest of the Master's app adventures.

"So I just downloaded this app..." The Master skipped (yes, skipped) into the Doctor's bedroom with a grin. "It can find at least one person in the world with the exact same name as you, let's try mine!"

"I really don't think this is a good idea..."

"Ooh, it's got a number!"

"No, Master, put the phone down, no, don't ring-"

"Hello? Doctor he's Australian. Why the fuck is he Australian?"

"Master put the bloody-"

"What you up to? Me? Oh, nothing much, just travelling through space, killing whole species, you know, the usual. What do you mean aliens don't exist? Of course they do! Hey, you'll never guess what NASA's not telling you-"

"PUT THE PHONE DOWN!" The Doctor yelled, yanking the phone from the Master's hands. "What have we discussed about disrupting earth life?"

"Don't do it unless it can bring you entertainment?" The Master asked innocently.

"So I just downloaded this app." The Master smiled.

"Will it cause another world war?" The Doctor asked, rubbing his temples with a yawn. Trying to keep the Master under control was tiring.

"No, that was the other one I just used."

"What?"

"Anyway, so it can sink things."

"Sink things?"

"Yeah, like literally sink things. You put it near a boat, press the button and it can make it sink."

"That's not possible."

"Yes it is!" The Master insisted. "Look, I'll fly us to a random year, find a random boat and test it out."

Ten minutes later he was back.

"It worked! Told you it would, this ipod's amazing!"

The Doctor hesitated. "Master?"

"Yeeeees?"

"You did... make sure there was no one on the boat first, didn't you?"

He blinked. "Shit. Knew I forgot something."

"Master!"

"Oh what does it matter? They were probably gonna hit that iceburg and die anyway-"

The Doctor opened his mouth to argue, but then as a horrible thought hit him, he narrowed his eyes. "Oh, please tell that you didn't..."

"Didn't what?"

"You didn't sink the fucking titanic did you?"

"No, don't be daft!"

The Doctor let out a breath of relief. "Oh, thank god."

"Nah, it was the queen's cruise ship. Reckon she was in it?"

"..."

"So I just downloaded this app..."

"Oh god..."

"No really, it's useful! It can kill spiders."

"Oh, well that's slightly useful I suppose..."

"It can kill humans too. Shall we-"

"GIVE ME THE IPOD!"

"So I just downloaded this app..."

"Oh god, please, no more" The Doctor moaned, still holding an icepack to his head after a rather unfortunate incident involving the Master and a "hammer app". He cursed the creator of all those bloody apps! (Apart from the handcuff app, that had been quite a success.)

"No, it's really good!" The Master insisted, his eyes wide, "It toasts bagels!"

"We have no bagels"

"I know, that's why I'm using spaghetti."

"You can't use spaghetti-"

"Oh please, it's practically the same thing!"

"What the hello, no it's not-"

"Ignoring! Anyway, you press the button and-"

"NO!"

It was a known fact that Jack Harkness disliked the Master. A lot. But when he recieved a picture message of the Doctor covered head to toe in burnt spaghetti, he decided that maybe, just maybe he could grow to like the maniac after all.

_A/N: Review? (a) xxxx_


	17. Sleep

_A/N: For anyone here that reads my other fics, you'll know that today is a major updating day! :P Here's the next chapter. Sad for a change, but a tad fluffy at the end :3_

The Master's never really been one for showing emotion. Even as a child he'd preferred to keep his feelings "bottled up", because as far as he was concerned, refusing to cry in front of the bully that pushed you over was as much of a victory as pushing him back. (Not that he didn't push them back, of course he did. He wasn't peaceful like the Doctor after all). In fact, he'd much rather walk a mile on a broken foot then admit to anyone that it hurt.

So he just does what he does best, destroys things and hides behind a manic smile.

This, however, he tries to reason with himself, is different. This obviously isn't reality, the way he's locked in a room, a bare, blank room. The drums are always loud, but they're never _this_ loud, so fast and so furious and so _god damn powerful_. He knows the pain isn't real, it's all in his head, but still he fights down screams, it feels like he's on fire, he's burning, _burning_ and why isn't the Doctor here? Why isn't he here to save him? The drums, oh god the drums, louder and louder and louder and LOUDER AND LOUDER AND-

And finally he screams. Because what does it matter, really? There's nobody here to hear him. Nobody will ever have to know.

And then, then he wakes up.

The nightmares are one thing, but the cold is even worse. It's freezing, in the dead of night, and he has to curl right up in a tiny little ball, gathering all of his body heat together, and even _then_ he can't sleep. He has a feeling it's the TARDIS' doing, because whenever the Doctor's in here, it doesn't feel cold. It feels quite warm, actually. But it's cold when he's alone. He's pretty sure that all he needs to do to make it a little warmer in here is to go to the Doctor and ask him to have a few words with the TARDIS, but that would be _admitting _he's cold, and he can't do that, not at all.

Even the room itself is a bit unwelcoming. He's got all his experiment equipment on the desk, his ipod on the bedside cabinet and his teletubbies dvds in the chest of drawers ("Televisions... in _stomachs!_" He always argues whenever the Doctor complains) but still it doesn't feel quite like _his_ room. Not that he spends much time in here anyway, but that's not the point. He could ask the Doctor for another room, but then that would show he was uncomfortable, and, while it's not as bad as admitting he's cold, it was still something the Master would never be able to live down.

The Doctor on the other hand, has no problem with sharing feelings. As for nightmares, well, he's grown used to his. Not unaffected by them, just used to them. No, it's being alone that stops him sleeping. Rose, Martha, Jack and countless others that wandered the TARDIS corridors, all of them gone now. They always leave, leaving him alone again. They never stay. And as much as he wants to, he never lets them. With the Master here, he feels less alone, but then the Master goes to bed, and he's left alone again. Left all on his own with his memories. He's not even really sure if he has the Master. The man knows he loves him yes, and they've... but neither of them have actually said the "L" word out loud. And The Doctor knows the Master isn't one for talking. So it looks like he really is alone.

The Master can't take it anymore. He's sick of the nightmares and the cold, so for once, he does what any other sleep depraved person would do at three o'clock in the morning. He opens his bedroom door and walks. Walks down the hall to the Doctor's room, opens the door, and without saying a word, climbs into his fellow timelords bed. ...Okay, maybe any other sleep depraved person would have _asked_ first.

The Doctor's facing the wall when he hears the bedroom door open, and suddenly, the bed is a lot warmer. He grins, glad the Master can't see him through the inky black, and, without saying a word, pulls the man into his arms.

"Hello."

"Hello."

"Cold?"

The Master hesitates. "Yes." He makes himself feel better with the internal thought that he hadn't actually said anything, the Doctor had guessed, so _technically_ this wasn't weak of him at all. Resting his head against the man's shoulders was okay too, he decided, because he was really, _really _tired, and after all, could pretend he'd never done it in the morning. Beds feel not only a lot warmer when you're close to someone, the Master noted, but a lot safer too.

Nothing more had to be said. The two just closed their eyes, arms wrapped around each other, and all was calm.

...Well, for a moment anyway.

"Er... Master?"

"Yeeeeees?"

"Um... what's that?"

"Why it's a teletubbies soft toy!"

"While it's lovely to see you enjoy something so _human_, I feel a bit uncomfortable sharing a bed with Po-"

"It's La-La actually."

"..."

"...Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

_A/N: Review? :D xx_


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